Thursday, May 21, 2009

A Dream

One morning, I woke up from an extremely rare full night's sleep, for which I am very thankful. Sleeping through the night means I dreamed and can remember what went through my mind....

I dreamed of my college, which is situated in the Appalachians, in what has to be one of the loveliest areas of the United States. I attended college for just 2 years, and when I finished the second year, I didn't know I would not be back. Going off to college, which for me was about 6 hours from home was a special and exciting thing. I loved it there and have so many sweet and happy memories. I can't get enough of learning, so that also made it a great environment for me. I am still very close to a few of the girls I met that freshman year on my dorm hall.

My time there wasn't all happy, though. Unwise choices and immaturity and sin resulted in much pain for me. The pain led into dark depression and deep-seated anger. I was not walking closely with Jesus then. This fact alone is all a person needs to begin a season of pain, I think. Near the end of my sophomore year, as I watched some of my older friends graduate, God had already begun to draw me back to Himself. Praise Him for his mercy, for His pulling me from my pit (He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2). When I left, I had every intention of returning. That was the plan.

The summer found me working as a daytime nanny alongside a mom with four small, closely spaced children. It was a Godsent job with a neat believing lady. The weeks wore on and we planned my return to school, chose my classes, got my necessities collected and purchased. Also during the weeks of that summer, I sought God with all my heart - and you know what He promises when we do that, right? (You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13). He opened my eyes and transformed my heart in so many ways (and He still is, of course). Respect for His holiness was born. An awareness of my utter sinfulness dawned - a bittersweet relief - to begin rightness with my Savior, and start to know healing from the pain and depression.

Then, with only a few weeks remaining, I told my parents that God did not want me to return to my beloved school. I truly don't remember right now if He gave me a reason at the time. Even though it all felt a little backward and abnormal, my parents were most respectful of my desire to stay home.

God placed me in a group of "kids" close to my age and situation at my home church, and, as He continued to grow me, I had this special circle of friends with whom to have fun and grow in the Lord. I worked as a teller at a bank, lived at home, learned (thanks, dad) to live on a budget, and continued healing as God provided different forms of godly counsel.

BB and me after a football game one hot November afternoon last fall

Without my really paying close attention, I found myself falling in love with my husband. We've known each other since we were 13...but, that's a wonderful story of love and grace for a different day.

I don't know all the reasons God had me stay home and not finish college. I do know with absolute confidence that it was Him who ordained that path for me. Two things always jump out at me, though, from where I stand now. The first thing is that my courtship with my true love actually happened during what would have been my junior and senior years of college. Secondly, a few years ago, God made me recognize a pattern to this life of mine - a pattern of His drawing me closer and closer to...home. Home from college, stay-at-home-wife, then stay-at-home-mom, then homeschooling mom...the list of turning points that involve home is long. It all fits.This is my domain and calling.

In the dream, I was young again and had been given the chance to return to my dear college. I saw people I recognized. I set up my dorm room and was so excited. And then I woke up...

It doesn't make me sad, this dream. It brings back good memories, reminds me how much I still love to learn, and how that desire is met as we educate our kids (mostly at home - that is another story, too). God is refreshing my memory on things learned long ago, and of course I'm learning much more than academics in this school called life at home.

Jesus does all things well.

However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

1 comment:

  1. Cute photo of you two!

    "No good thing does He withold!"