Monday, January 23, 2012

Crying on the Couch - Grace Laced Monday

I've been sick for the past three weeks. I am sure those closest to me are about sick of hearing me say allergies. And thankfully, it's just a season...a few weeks to go and this'll be past. In the meantime, however, the fog brought on by my body's reaction to cedar pollen is a thick one. I mean, I really have a hard time thinking at all, outside of the basics that need to be done around here. Very auto-pilot, which in a way feels like a bit of a step back as we've been aiming for more order and such in our family life.

BB blessed me with some quiet moments (a couple of hours, really) Saturday morning while he took all 6 out for a little breakfast and errands. This means, of course, that he also let me sleep in, yipeeee! And while I'm bragging on my husband, I'll add: he brought me flowers Friday night when he got home from work and went back out later to procure two boxes of lotion tissues for my worn out nose - how can I thank God enough for this kind of best friend?!


So, back to Saturday morning. I sat on the couch with my coffee, cheese toast and Bible study things, and cried my eyes out. It was loud. I cried out loud in the privacy of my empty home. It was nice, and so needed, except for the fact that it puffed up my eyes and nose even more than they already were, but oh, well...

I cried because I'm weary of being sick and muddled in my brain (I know it could be far, far worse, and I am counting the blessing of this very small suffering); I cried because motherhood is hard and sometimes you just get a glimpse of your own sin and it hurts - it's not hopeless, but it hurts; I wept more because what I felt in my heart was God, I'm not getting anywhere. I'm not growing. I don't see signs of growth and change, and I don't have clear, ringing messages of truth to my heart and mind. I can't even think straight...

Oh, me of little faith...what came to me in the middle of my tearful thoughts and prayers was this -

This stumbly walk? This uncomfortable, often confusing and overwhelming place? The small suffering you are enduring? The way that seems winding and unfocused? This is the path. All that growth and change and revelation you need and seek? This is the way. While you must study His Word and call on His Name, the sanctifying won't come academically, if you will...not this kind of growth and change. No, this will come from experience. From being stretched, tried, perplexed, inadequate, and sick.

These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed
I Peter 1:7

Amen and amen. May it be so, Lord Jesus, in all of us who call on Your Name....let us enjoy this grace from Your Heart...

Grace Laced Mondays


  1. You are so right, we can't reach the
    goal for which you are striving without
    being taken through some difficult experiences.

    There is so much we know in our intellect but it doesn't become "real" to us without the personal experiences.

    Love your posts so much, they remind me of my youngest daughter who loves the Lord and strives to grow and please him while at the same time
    home schooling and all the rest.

  2. Thank you for your honesty, Beth. I have been there...muddled head, achy heart, weary body, crying before the Lord. It's mess, stumbly, and not academic--as you said. So so true.

  3. I've been reminded of this week of this simple truth... He holds my hand. My prayer the past few days is that, by His grace, I will keep my hand open. I've been there on the couch, crying.

  4. I'm sorry that things are so tough, but I'm not sorry to watch you grow and trust God through things. It's both a privilege and such a good example to me. I really appreciate you. xo