Monday, January 18, 2010


For several months, I've been in a season of what I've come to call flatness. This has come in the second half of a year of Awakening in our home. The flatness in my heart has not lifted or eased in these last six to eight months, and has actually worsened during this pregnancy. I would not have called it depression until the past two months or so, but before this becomes to heavy and dark, I'll move on to the point.

I don't understand why this is happening. I cannot explain it. When I am able to feel and sense my deepest heart, what I see there is a few important things - one is that my love for Christ and desire to live Kingdom-focused is still very much there, it is alive and well, even if I'm not feelin' it, if you will. Thank God for this grace, for the truth that I'm still His child, the one He's transformed and is transforming.

The second thing that's there is sin, obviously an ever-present and unwanted presence, this side of heaven. It is good to see the sin - I've been struck in all this about how pathetically unaware and unbothered I've been about sin for too long. In particular, God's shown me I need to be repentant for those "accidental" sins, such as a slow cooling toward the Savior. Did I, do we ever, mean to cool toward Jesus? No, but it happens, and it's still sin, and must be confessed and abandoned.

But back to the flatness. I cried out (literally crying) to the Lord about it, again, the other night while I was alone in the car. When I was quiet, as I got out at home, this is what He put in my mind:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
       neither are your ways my ways,"
       declares the LORD.

  "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
       so are my ways higher than your ways
       and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

This was fresh air to my spirit in that moment, and now, too. It's okay not to understand His ways, His will right now. His thoughts and plans are so good that I cannot even recognize them in all my human frailty and limitation and childish immaturity. Thank You, God.

Our pastor yesterday spoke of desperation for God. Flatness is indeed leading to a begging for Him, and that is never, ever a bad thing.

Lastly, in an effort to make tiny changes to lift my spirits in the evenings (the emotions have been more formidable after dark during the pregnancy...this is easing, thankfully, my "evening sickness" is wearing off), I lit a good-smelling candle in the kitchen, chose some "new" music (cd's I hadn't paged through in ages), and set to work in the kitchen. Here are some lyrics that melted me:

I would be a fool for You,
Only if You asked me to,
A simpleton who's only thinking of
The cause of love.

I will speak Jesus name,
and if that makes me crazy,
they can call me crazed,
I'm happy to be seemingly naive,
I do believe You came and
made Yourself a fool for me.

Nichole Nordeman, Fool for You

Photos: the children, clearly, are NOT in a time of flatness! MK (in yellow) and LC went a little crazy in the rain and mud the other day. MK even told me that she was stomping grapes at one point (actually a mud puddle, of course). In the last photo, you can see that LC couldn't even eke out a smile for me...she was so cold and wet. BB worked from home that day, so when the muddy fun was over, I wrapped them in towels and had him transport their nasty (but happy, and cold) selves straight to the bathtub. Any clothing/shoes they'd touched went straight in the washer. They make me laugh.

1 comment:

  1. "For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" Eph. 3:14-21

    May you know this not only in your mind but in your heart and may He cause your spirit to sing. Praying for you.

    (Love, love that first photo! Such vibrant, imaginative, fun girls.)