He's Always Working on My Heart

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Tiny flowers on a pretty plant given to me by my friend since I came to stay at the hospital

So. I've had an increasing burden and desire to be really frank about my own heart and about what God is doing through all this uncertainty.

My disclaimer at the beginning is this: I am very much still processing and understanding what God is teaching me, so I don't write this out of Hey, look what I learned! I've arrived! Far from it. Writing and discussing are how my understanding deepens, so here goes...

Oh, a second disclaimer: this may be another too much information post for some, because I will be pretty open about the physical things that have become a spiritual battleground.

It has been three weeks since I experienced the alarming bleeding and subsequent 7 hours of labor. Once the dust settled, it occurred to me how terrified I was during the whole thing. I know that fear is a normal response in that kind of situation, but as I pondered the whole thing, I was really bothered by my own lack of peace during the ordeal.

If I believe that God is good and sovereign and that He loves me and that my life's purpose is to shine for His glory...and if I believe that He is Emmanuel, God With Me, then why the terror and non-existent peace?

I don't know if I can answer the why of all that right now, and it may not be important anyway.

But Jesus has made something very clear to me since that day, really since all this started a month ago. It has taken days and days to see more clearly, very much like a fog slowly lifting from my mind and heart.

BB has spoiled me with flowers twice now - each bunch lasting quite a long time. Smart guy: he's been buying them at Costco - lotsa flowers for not lotsa money! What a blessing he is, and the flowers cheer me!

What has He made clear? He's showing me that, true to His nature, He has allowed all this strange uncertainty so that I will become more like Jesus, and so that I will grow into a person who really, truly wants God to be glorified more than I want my own will, comfort, and happiness. I'm so not that person yet.

Here's the part that may be too much information for some, but it's part of what He's doing, so I'll take that chance. After The Big Scare as we call it now, it took a few days for everything to settle down - our hearts, bodies, and minds. Even as my body calmed into a non-emergency state, I began to experience something in addition to the daily loss of amniotic fluid: the loss of a little blood almost every day.

Now while this tends to FREAK ME OUT (Did I just do that in all caps? Did I just SCREAM that?!), I know am in good, skilled hands here at my hospital-home, and it does NOT freak them out. Apparently, what I'm dealing with falls within normal - for my abnormal situation, that is!

My point in sharing the, ahem, gory details is to say that God has used those details in His sanctifying work on my heart. Seeing blood is scary. And each time I see it I either become really afraid, or, am very tempted to become really afraid, to panic. But, as the days have gone by (oh, I praise Him for this, and am thankful for the prayers of His people!), I feel His peace settling on me. This is nothing less than His patient, good grace; Him unwilling to leave me to myself. Jesus planning these difficulties into my life so that I might learn trust, patience, submission, praise, and peace.

These were the flowers we gave the big four girls after their theatre camp performances; you know I can't not take pictures of flowers!

Upon seeing The Thing That Scares Me (it's an intermittent, random Thing), the Spirit has strengthened me to be able to start saying Thank you, wise God for this Thing. Your wisdom is higher; Your plans are better. If you are more glorified through this unnerving Thing continuing, then so be it. I praise You for your goodness and good plans. And, Lord, please let this bleeding go away, if it is Your will.

Yes, learning and relearning and unlearning then learning again how to really, truly say Not my will, but Yours be done...that is yet another lesson for me in this pregnancy adventure God has given us.

So, as maddening as it has been on some days, Jesus has given me many opportunities to lay this fear in His Hands. It has seriously felt like learning to ride a bike or something. I keep falling off, and NO, I do NOT want to get back on, but He gives me the opportunity, which at first glance just looks like a Scary Situation, to try again at resting in Him when things are frightening.

I listened to a great John Piper sermon on Sunday, since obviously I'm not making it out to a real church service or a live sermon these days. He taught from John 7. In verse 24, Jesus quite bluntly chides His opponents, Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment.It's easy and natural to judge by appearances. What are you facing right now that seems to be nothing but bad? Or scary? The beautiful thing is that God has specific purpose designed into the bad, the scary, and the uncertain. He will give us grace to begin seeing His goodness in the afflictions; to recognize the ways He's molding us into Christ's image, bringing glory to Himself.

My prayer for myself and for you today is this: Lord, make us people who really, truly want You glorified above all else. Grow us into people who give up self-exaltation and self-satisfaction. We are so weak - strengthen us to say truthfully that we want Your will to be done above our own. How we need Your help!

You are worthy, our Lord and God,

to receive glory and honor and power,

for You created all things,

and by Your will they were created

and have their being.

Revelation 4:11