Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Being Honest

June 2 marked one year since I awoke in the wee hours of the morning to the upsetting reality that my water had just broken at 28 weeks pregnant.

That anniversary is a really big deal in my heart.

I remember saying in the midst of the drama which followed that it was going to take me a long time to process all the events surrounding Baby H's pregnancy and birth.

What an understatement. In the year since then, I've learned a lot. I've learned much about myself, and as I emerge from the dark, foggy land of survival, one thing I've observed is how very slowly I do process my reality. When you combine the busy intensity of this last year (which equaled little free time to ponder events) with my own natural speed of processing, it means that in some ways I'm not very far along in my dealings with H's birth.

The silver lining to that cloud is the fact that God's allowed me to be working on so.much.else. during that year, finding better ways to parent and function and helping the girls through anxieties and so on. We've all come a long, long way in a relatively short piece of time!

So today, as I think about all that was let loose on June 2, 2012, my heart and mind are kind of just beginning to deconstruct and understand everything that happened in my life.

Our sweet, sharp-as-a-tack therapist talks about how when some people work to process life's events, they're like Jacob wrestling the Lord, back in Genesis. They fight and strain and struggle until the thought or idea or problem is nailed to the ground, settled. That's me. It's interesting and freeing to start working through my reactions and memories, trying hard to be honest with myself and with God as I do so.

I think one reason God allowed the whole thing was so that I (we) would fall apart , so that He could put me back together again in a much healthier manner, more well-equipped to live as His servant, as a Jesus lover, and Jesus-love-giver.

Eleven days post-ruptured-membranes, everyone was finally in agreement that my water was broken and constantly leaking, and I moved into the hospital. The next day I experienced the beginning of a placental abruption and several hours of active labor. I was already nervous and worried about Baby H's well being, but the abruption took that to a much higher, more scary level. In all honesty, I became terrified. It did not help that I proceeded to bleed pretty much daily until he was born 30-something days later. Though constantly assured that it was "within normal," the bleeding undid me - I now feared for my own life as well as H's. In my scary imagination, I lived afraid that I'd begin abrupting again, and would they get H out in time, and would I be okay in the process.

At the time I was not able to articulate or face that fear. I think some of the reason is that I knew I was supposed to be trusting God and experiencing His peace. But I wasn't, most of the time. I was really frozen with fear on the inside, something I can recognize pretty clearly now that there's some distance between me and those events.

I wasn't able to face the fear itself nor the reality that I wasn't walking by faith in a way that brought me the peace of Jesus. So I guess it's fair to say that I was in a holding pattern emotionally and mentally. Just kind of trying to keep it together.

The Lord was very merciful in it and through it. He carried me, carried my family. He graced us with the most wonderful and desired outcome, a miracle: pregnant over 6 weeks after my water broke, even though my body tried to go into labor 3 separate times; no infections; making it to 35 weeks, rather than the usual 34 weeks; having BH come out of the womb ready for life - no NICU, no help needed with breathing, and his one little complication resolved itself (his foot was temporarily deformed from having to lie in the same position in utero for weeks); then we went home, just like that, 48 hours after he was born, as if nothing crazy had ever happened!

Anyway, it's humbling to admit my real heart. But that's another big purpose behind all the upheaval God's allowed: He's helping me learn who I really am. It's not that I've become someone different, but rather that I'm starting to recognize more clearly who I am and who God is making me to be. Just like so many other elements of life at this season, this feels both exciting and daunting and it's just a little bit exhausting.

This verse encouraged me regarding the whole idea of self:

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24

I am hopeful about coming days and the ways He's growing me.

1 comment:

  1. Beth, wow. Just reading the abbreviated version makes me tear up. It's an amazing story and you are so brave to face it head on. God bless you.