Settling In, Family Update, & a Decision

We have been in our new house almost two weeks now. Thanks be to God for the help of a couple of dear friends who worked hard to get all our stuff moved from the rental house.

We are still very much in that make-do stage that comes with moves. Baby ME made do with this place to play in the first few days we were here...

And she played for quite a long time with that whisk!

Mixed in with the move-in chaos was the added crazy of illness - a few of the kids passed around a virus. Sicknesses that make you and me feel gross and tired often make BH very ill. This time it morphed quickly in to pneumonia, so we were at urgent care on Memorial Day.

I'm happy to say that God has healed him. It was many days and lots and lots and lots of nebulizer treatments, steroids, and antibiotics before he got better. We're hoping to connect with a pediatric pulmonary specialist this summer in order to get a better understanding of BH's problems and perhaps come up with improved responses to his issues.

Sometimes it's so easy to miss God's little and big kindnesses when things are a mess around me. During the move, we lost ALL the keys to the new house, and there are a LOT. Most of the doors have different locks and on several, the deadbolt and doorknob have different keys. Anyway, a few days went by...we prayed for God to help us find the bag of keys.

And He did:

Yep, they were in the freezer. 

Who knows why.

Our new yard is full of lovely flowers, plants and trees. There are two clumps of pink calla lilies. They are so dramatic and graceful!

More making do here...breakfast in the first few days in the house. I am happy to say the table and chairs are up and functional now.

We've been to the doctor's office four times in these two weeks. Whew. Thankful for good medical care, though. BH has been well-behaved at the doctor visits, thank the Lord. He was very entertained by his baggie of Legos at this particular visit. He calls the Lego minifigures "his boys."

Moving is exhausting. For all of us:

A safe place for baby while big sister caregiver does laundry...

Milestones don't wait for life to calm down. Baby ME has been having a little solid food each day for almost a week now. She has had a super dramatic reaction to the experience, shivering all over in apparent disgust and shock each time the spoon and food first touch her mouth. Funny. She's growing more accustomed, though. She's also sitting up pretty well, too!

Did I mention that moving is exhausting, for everyone? 

Note the ever-present (for the last 2 weeks anyway) nebulizer near his head. Glad, glad, glad that's past for now!

So, we continue to settle in, one box at a time. There's also summer school to be done over the coming weeks. Life is always very full. Praying for God's strength - that He will give me strength to keep my trust in Him and not panic and get all self-sufficient...that's an exhausting, anxious place to live, eh?

I've decided to ramp down the blog during this season. This will be the last, or close to the last, post for awhile. I may return here in time, but for now, this will rest. Thanks for being my blog friend!

Las Vegas, Part Two

When I posted about Las Vegas, I kept feeling frustrated that I could not find certain photos I knew I'd taken and wanted to include. I was pulling from BB's cell pictures, my phone photos and all the ones that we took with the actual camera. I couldn't figure out why these images were missing. Finally, I realized I had not pulled all the photos off my phone.

Without further ado...

Leaving on the plane: I love the things that make us unique from each other. I brought along old books - like a couple of actual, old copies of really old works. BB brought his iPad version of The Hobbit. I 'm all about hard copy, paper, pages, low-tech. He's all about technology.

 Another photo from the High Roller Ferris wheel ride

 As I mentioned, we walked so much. After a lot of exploring, I walked halfway across the Hoover Dam Bypass Bridge with the others, and then I was done. BB walked back to this spot with me, where I had to take a seat and put my feet up!

 The fun little diner where we stopped for lunch and that tasty pie!

 Can you see the footprint in the rock?

 There it is! It was probably about five feet long there vertically on the rock.

 We pulled over to the side to investigate a sign pointing to a petrified log. It was slightly underwhelming and rather humorous to see it lying there, surrounded by chain link fencing - to prevent its escape, I suppose?

 At this site, we all climbed out of the car and began examining the gorgeous holey rock formations. Then, all of a sudden, one off BB's coworkers told me to Look! And there was BB, at the top of one of the high rocks. Love his spirit of adventure.

 What I spend a lot of time doing when I have quiet space: I have papers and a good pen and a book or two and my computer - I communicate. This time I wrote postcards and caught up on my emails. I read part of a book of Edgar Allan Poe's short stories - all dark and 1800's terrifying and such a good workout for my brain, a fun change of pace.

 We got to have breakfast together most days. That was a real treat!

A flower bed, of course.

You never know what you'll see in Las Vegas - here's proof that there's wild, beautiful (and appropriate!) creative genius going on there!

More writing. Letters to Compassion kids we sponsor. Was nice to sit down and concentrate and write them without stopping.

Today, I was thinking about God's tender mercies, and about His grace and kindness, and how these are not dependent upon my goodness or my awesome prayer life or any of that.

Thinking back to the snapshots comments I made in the last post, about how different life is now compared to when I traveled with BB three years ago, I was flooded with gratitude and amazement at God's Hand and faithfulness to me and my family.

I've been frank about the dark days and the dysfunction and how we passed through a season that did feel like drowning...and believe me, in those days, I am sure I prayed, but I am also sure I didn't even know what to say or what to ask for, or even what I/we needed. Much is a blur to me now.

But I look back and see how He has led us by the hand to where we are now, in this place of stability and health and I praise Him, Giver of all Wisdom and Healing and Help. He helped - not because we prayed great prayers or had big faith, but because He is faithful and compassionate and good.

And I know that in our overwhelmed survival mode, there were many who were praying faithfully and with hearts of great faith, who sought God's favor and blessing on our behalf. I thank Him for these saints, who have been our support, who listened, and shared burdens, and prayed and loved us through the crazy.
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Las Vegas

We are back from our trip to Las Vegas.

All nine of us are here at home together after a week apart!

Here are some photographic highlights of the time out west:

 We had the treat of tagging along with some of BB's coworkers, as they rented a van and explored the not-so-neon-and-plastic scenes to be found near Las Vegas. BB took the above photo while we were exploring Valley of Fire State Park. 

 We perfected our selfie while on this trip. This was one of many times I had to find a place to sit for a minute - we walked a lot in all our field-tripping that day!

 Here's another amazing photo by BB of the dry, rugged beauty in the State Park.

 Loved the layers of color here

Some rocks in the park had graceful, circular places worn out of their surfaces. The information we read said they believe the carved out spots are where the desert wind has blown away the softer, sandier parts of the sandstone.

I would have loved to have climbed these rocks. And the kids would've had a blast clambering over them - so many hand-holds and hiding spots!

Our time away that day also included lunch together at a fun mom-and-pop diner where BB and I shared a very satisfying piece of pie with ice cream.

We also got to visit Hoover Dam and the fairly-recently finished highway that now spans the space above the river. Both the dam and the new bridge are just staggering in their enormity.

 I got to add a state to my Been There list: Arizona. The state line runs up the middle of the river, so you get to walk out of Nevada and into Arizona while you check out the dam.

The Dam was completed in 1936. There's a lot of beautiful art deco style to be seen all around, including this statue, one of a pair at a monument dedicated to those who lost their lives building the dam.

It was a long, fun, exhausting day in the sun. One of BB's coworkers had an app that was tracking our number of steps - I think it was near 20,000 steps we'd taken once the day was done. It was worth it!

Meanwhile, back in Vegas, we did take a spin on a new-ish attraction, their 550-foot tall High Roller, aka Ferris Wheel. That was a lot of fun, too. It was cool to see the strip and outskirts of town from so high up! Each pod can carry up to 40 people, they say. I was glad ours only had about 10 riders.

 There was a little seating in each of the pods. The ride lasts about 30 minutes, so it was nice to have the option of sitting or walking around.

 Looking down at Las Vegas

Check out the ceiling inside parts of our hotel. Very convincing fake cloudy skies. Beautiful!

And I almost forgot: we took a walk to the Bellagio on our last night, so that we could see their famous water-fountain-light-and-music show. We were not disappointed! It is free - people just gather around the perimeter of the large pond in front of the hotel, and every 15 minutes or so, a new show starts. It was startlingly beautiful - graceful, powerful, poetry. We stood for an hour there. My body complained about this later, but again, very worth it.

The time away together was restful and quiet. We were able to have some great, needed conversations and do some thinking together.

And I did some thinking alone, of course, during the hours BB was at the conference in the daytime. I've been thinking about what I can or should do in order to become more disciplined and skilled in my writing.

One big, lingering impression on my heart before, during, and since this getaway has to do with "snapshots," which was a word we used in therapy to mark moments that ought to be noted. I've not been able to get away from the vast difference between life as it was three years ago when I got to travel to this same conference with BB, and my life today.

Snapshot of three-years-ago me was of a very overwhelmed, stretched, stressed mom of six. I cried for a lot of the time away in Las Vegas that year. I needed to. It was good to have the space for that, and I'm so grateful to the Lord He provided that restful break at just the right time. I was really about to snap and just did not understand how to live day-to-day or how to parent my transitioning, adjusting family.

Of course, it's not that I don't feel overwhelmed, stretched and stressed at times these days, as mom of nearly-eight, but as we prepared for this trip and enjoyed the time away, I had such a sense of confidence and ease and peace, because the Lord has brought me, brought our family through so many struggles and hard times and it's wonderful to say that in this season, we are enjoying some of the strength and fruit that have resulted from wrestling through and having our hearts enlarged, made stronger, and made wiser, more capable by the Lord.

I thank Him and praise Him for the dark days, the painful struggles, and the hard work He chose for us; and I am delighting in the other side, thanking Him for this contrast, this journey, this progress.

I hope and pray it has informed and grown my faith, as inevitable dark days and struggles undoubtedly lie before us down the road. Maybe it can encourage you in your path, especially if you are facing circumstances that you can't make sense of, or situations that you feel are going to take you down...

God's purpose is good. He makes no mistake. There is fruit and light coming. There is the more Christ-like you, who will glorify Him more and more. And nothing ever will separate me or you from His love.

A couple more pictures, last but not least:

We got to see ancient Indian petroglyphs while at Valley of Fire State Park. It was fascinating to see the different symbols and pictures they carved into the orange rock.

And look, there's a a happy couple, holding hands!

(and perhaps some of their children, too? Made me smile.)

He's Given Me a Task

There are ways in which life is settling down a bit for us. It's a good thing.

One positive, and somewhat disorienting, consequence of this settling down is that my brain is a bit less overwhelmed. Some mental space is being freed up. And, as that happens, I'm hearing the Lord better and more.

So, God made it clear recently that He has a task for me to accomplish. It's the work of forgiveness. I told Him that I knew He was right - I have some forgiving to do. But, as a rule-following, checklist-loving, people-pleasing perfectionist, I have so very, very much of the time striven to do the right thing. 

What I mean is that too often, I have worked hard on this or that, and checked the box, perhaps made a rule for myself, but in reality, I did not process the problem at hand honestly or completely. Rather, I rushed through, avoiding the messiness and time these things often take. This has been especially true when it comes to emotional and spiritual work.

So when God showed me it was time to forgive another, I told Him I'd only do it if He could help me know it was real, and not something I completed artificially in my own strength. And I told Him that I just couldn't do it, truly. I recognize my weakness and that my heart really does want to hold on to the hurt and the anger and the self-protection. But He's bringing me to a place where I've finally begun wanting to be like Jesus in this area more than I want to be safe and in control and comfortable.

And I am overwhelmed at the Truth and the images that He is putting in my heart as I grow a willingness to do this thing. Leslie Leyland Fields' piece to which I linked the other day hit home for me when she pointed out Jesus' compassionate response to His murderers: Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. 

Fields challenged me to remember the hurt and barriers that are in the hearts of those who wound us. Opening my thinking to this reality clears the path for compassion to be born: real compassion, not some drummed up version of it. Really, it's so ironic how God brings us to a place where we're just too tired to even try in our own strength anymore, so it's either trust Him to accomplish His good work in us, or it won't happen at all. And of course, there's this real and weighty and beautiful issue of how much and often I require forgiveness myself, and there are beams in my own eyes, right?

Another powerful image He's given me is that of sacrificing my feelings on the altar of obedience. I read this somewhere very recently, but its source is escaping me. My feelings are real and valid and natural, but when I hang on to them and relive hurts and feed the feelings, I'm strangling my very own heart, my very own potential to love, forgive, and offer compassion. I'm too busy protecting myself! I don't sacrifice the human blessing of having feelings, but rather the option of allowing them to control me or  to dictate how I think about and treat others. This is where the Holy Spirit whooshes in, so to speak, to transform my heart and to help me say no to hanging on to the hard feelings as a form of "protecting myself" from potential hurt in a relationship. It's work that Jesus and I are addressing together. He's all about conforming us to His image, and I am glad He doesn't leave me to myself.
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At the End of Christmas Break...

CJ sends you a Happy New Year wink!

Looks like she is in pain, I know, but she's not. Just takes a lot of work when you're three to pull off such facial coordination.

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

We took down Christmas this week. What a relief. That's a job that feels really overwhelming to me, especially since this year we really decked the halls.

Christmas break is almost over for us. It's been nearly a month.

I have to say that I was dreading the holidays for a lot of reasons.

Some of the dread was based on the way that past Christmas-seasons have gone, and some of the dread came from knowing my own weaknesses and weariness, feeling like I just couldn't do it - "it" being just about everything connected to Christmas traditions - events and visiting and special food and thoughtful worship, and...you know, all the things that a person is either used to doing or hopes to have or thinks others are expecting.

I guess I had more expectations of myself and the season than I realized.

And I think my life-weariness factored more into the dread of the holidays than I realized, too. What I'm seeing is that in the Big Picture, our family has moved and is moving in a beautiful, healthy, healed direction, all Praise to Christ! But the truth is that daily life is still really tough in many ways. Really draining. Lots of opportunities to turn to the Lord in my weakness, and in those times when my knee-jerk desire is to just run away from the challenges.

{As an aside, I always wanted a large family. Always. And I still look around in grateful disbelief that God allowed me the sweetness of six pregnancies, births, and one miracle adoption. It gives me chills just to write it. But an irony I never considered is that of a woman who is an introvert to the core raising up 7 distinctly unique humans, each one of them at different developmental levels. This is one of the challenges I sometimes don't want to face. It's a strange balance to seek: relating with others while still recharging with some form of aloneness or quiet. Anyway, that was an aside.}

So, as I look back at our holidays, I see a theme:

God took care of me.

It felt good to be honest with Him about my dread and anxiety, my weakness and weariness.

Sometimes I saw Him remove challenges. Other times He gave me strength I did not expect, and showed me that I've learned much in a year's time under His training.

I recognized that I even put pressure of myself to have an extra-special experience with Jesus because it was Christmas time. Then it hit me: while my love for Him is far from constant and perfect, I love Him all year round. I love His sacrifice and goodness and friendship all year round. It felt good to know that simply continuing to love Him and thank Him was enough, at Christmas and any other time of year. No need to dig deep and conjure up some false excitement or emotion.

This made family and personal Advent celebrating more simple, real, and special for me.

Looking back, this month of Christmas break has been marked by relationship-building, connecting, strengthening bonds with others. It's been a full, rich, beautiful thing. And relationship building is dear to God's heart. What a satisfying season it's been, in that sense. Praise be to the God of all Grace.

There's a pretty big part of me that's tempted to doubt the path He's had me on for some time now...one that involves a little suffering and some lessons to learn that I never, ever would've thought necessary or useful in life. But sometimes He gives me a glimpse of the bigger picture or just a quiet reassurance inside that yes, while it looks weird and includes some pretty unexpected turns and training, it is indeed all good, because of course, He's all good.
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We documented our time with others pretty well. But these were a few of my favorite shots...

Baby H and his great-grandfather (BB's grandpa), regarding one another

 Baby H and his great-grandfather, loving on each other

 Baby H was very interested in what Granddad (BB's dad) was doing

 And apparently all the six-and-unders except for Baby H were interested at this point in what Granddad was doing...