Sweet Baby Days and Such

Bloggy silence. So much going on in the past two weeks that my head is spinning a bit. It's been snow days and viruses and house-hunting and birthdays (full post on that when I can get my pictures organized - EG is 14! Had a Les Mis birthday!) and visitors and schooling and viruses - oh, yes, it's making the rounds, very slowly it seems, and is NOT a 24-hour experience, unfortunately.

So. Spinning head. Baby days. Loving the baby days even with the swirlyness of it all. Tender mercy of God is that she's still a great sleeper, night and day. I find myself so tired and then so thankful, because how exhausted would I be if she were poor sleeper at night or a not-great napper?!

Here's a mini photo update of Miss ME -

Stretching awake after her morning bottle in my bed...

Oh, my! Did she sleep in her clothes? 'Fraid so! 

 Kicking around on a delicious blanket hand-made and gifted to us by my dear friend in Iowa

 My virus experience had me doing life and homeschooling from my bed from a couple of days. ME sleeps anywhere! BH found himself a cozy box and was reading Katy the Caboose in it. 

 The day of EG's birthday fun. My parents came to town. They snapped photos now and then. It's nice to have some from different perspectives!

 Grainy, yes. But....I love seeing my guy take care of his babies. Nothing better. Well, except for the way he loves and cares for me. Grace of God.

ME soaking up a bit of vitamin D with her PaPa (my dad) in our back yard - while BB and the kids dealt with the massive mess of limbs from the ice storm. Now the kids have taken some of the limbs that were pulled aside but not hacked up yet, and have made a teepee in the back yard. It's fabulous. More on that later...

*
The temptation to complain is so very, very present much of the time. And I do complain - inwardly and sometimes outwardly - when the chaos gets suffocating or the exhaustion screams loud or responsibilities seem overwhelming.

When I'm being sensitive to the Lord, I feel a check in my spirit when I'm starting to complain. A lot of times, He reminds me to give thanks. Sometimes I just need to remember His great, sacrificial love for me, or His ever-presence. Or maybe the thanks needed is Oh, God! Thank You for these dreams come true: this husband, these children, this huge, crazy family! Thank You for every single day You give me with each of them, and for each day we've had so far.

And, let me not forget good common sense (also a gift from God, right?): seek rest when needed; find creative ways to escape or cut the chaos; and when it comes to responsibilities - take them to the Lord, remembering that He will accomplish His purposes and the world won't end if I don't attend to all those things that are hollering at me to be managed and checked off a list.

Waiting on Baby and Declaring God's Goodness

There you go. How about a pop of happy (Texas) summer color for you, here as winter settles in? I feel lighter the longer I look at this one. It was taken two years ago at one of our favorite day-trip spots near Fredericksburg, Texas, at a seed farm.

Today, by my reckoning, I am just over 40 weeks pregnant. Hooray for this event-free, full-term baby-carrying experience. Praise God for this tender mercy.

I am ready to meet her and not be so big anymore, but each day she's in there means more ounces for her and a bit more ready for Christmas for me. I am so grateful to the Lord that we've been able to thoughtfully and calmly enter this Advent and holiday season. But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't quietly waiting on pins and needles for something to happen: a painful contraction (the usual way my labor begins - a painful contraction or two in a row usually means the real thing is ramping up) or water breaking (this has happened twice, where my water broke minus any contractions and labor never started on its own). We'll see what God's plan is, very shortly!

Everyone's really excited. The girls ask me frequently if I'm having any real contractions or Mom, is this a Twilight Zone day? Strange question, yes, but I have had a weird tradition, if you will, since my first labor, with EG. That day, there was a Twilight Zone marathon on tv. It's one of my favorite shows, and so while the contractions were far apart, but regular and bearable, I watched many episodes in a row. So, ever since then, during the labors where I had a significant number of hours at home, contracting, BB has fixed up the tv or laptop for me (and anyone else around who's cared to watch) to watch my shows.

Once I get to the point where I start pausing the show because I can't comprehend it during the contractions, we all know that things are progressing and BB turns it off. That's when all my energy and attention goes into the labor work.

I thought about placing these sweet pictures of BH at the top of the post, but that would've thrown everyone off a bit at this point, maybe? A bit cheeky of me, perhaps?

Look how little he was! I am excited about doing the tiny-baby experience again/one last time!

On a completely different note, I wanted to praise God for His goodness to me. Recently, I've been facing some pretty complicated and upsetting struggles in the area of relationships. I was desperate to hear from the Lord regarding these things, and I told Him so. I cried out to Him to speak to me and fill me with wisdom and love.

I've been reading through Exodus lately and this passage was beautiful and rich and peace-giving to me:

Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation that the Lord will work for you today...The Lord will fight for you and you only have to be silent. Exodus 14:13,14

I did not know how God would answer my requests for help. You know how it feels in the moment, when emotions are high and the solutions are unclear: how am I going to get through this, do this in a Jesus-honoring way? What do I do? How do I do it?!

But one thing I knew God was saying to me in the above scripture was to just be still and quiet. 

The truth from His Word, His speaking to me was great all by itself, but the coolest thing of all, that I'm so thankful for, is the lavish grace he poured out on me to enable me to be still and quiet. It was such an obvious departure from my usual way - I so often say so many, too many words, even if just internally. You know, the fretting, anxious kind - that I can only say  I praise you God for giving me the grace to be quiet and still.

And even more beautiful is His allowing me, already, to see fruit and movement in the struggles I'm having and in the relational challenges.

He is faithful and good and wise and present!

Thank You for loving me, Lord!
*
And just for fun, more BH cuteness....

Missing the Moon

The other morning the alarm went off before 6am. I never get up right when it goes off anymore, so it was about 6am when I shuffled downstairs in my ill-fitting (seeing as I have no waist these days) bathrobe.

Our house is very dark at night. We have so many trees, such dense shade that little light - natural or otherwise - really makes it into the house at night. So, it was strange to me when I walked into the kitchen and there was light. Light was shining on the pantry, through the sliding glass door that leads to the back yard.

It was moonlight.

I miss moonlight. I sat down on one of the kids' stools and looked at that square of light and shadow and at the moon itself (I believe that night was one of those supermoon nights...I know little about what that means, but it was a very bright moon).

In Texas, we had no shade. That made for some intense heat, but the mysterious beauty of unhindered moonlight streaming in our windows for nearly half the nights of each month was an ethereal treat.

Of course, shade is its own blessing, to be sure, and we enjoy it here.

That morning was the first time I've noticed moonshine making it into this house. So, I sat still, moon-bathing, I guess you could say. I slid the glass door open, so that I could hear the crickets and cicadas more clearly. Have you ever listened to them? It's music, to be sure, especially when the night is almost over and the singing is peaceful and slow. (They get phrenetic and angry sounding in the heat of the day.)

While in the dark there with the door open, BB came down, saw my moonlight, asked if I was okay, then went away to get his day started.

And I thought and sat still and I cried and prayed. I'd been telling BB I felt all wound up inside lately, strangely sad, but wasn't able to put my finger on the exact causes. Sometimes you just need a cry, right? And sometimes you need an alone moment for that. I wandered onto the back porch as the moon sank down and the day crept up, and cried and prayed some more.

Breaking down a bit in the cricket-song and moonlight helped me be more honest with myself and with the Lord. Quite cathartic and energy-giving.

Glory to God...this is the work of the Wonderful Counselor.

Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8

Should I Be Concerned?

I mean, this looks an awful lot like the Stuff of Life, doesn't it? Gross.

I am happy to say it is not blood, and I was aware that food coloring was being used in the house, but when I came upon this - eek! Pretty...um...violent looking. Who got hurt here?!

Whilst I was attending to other things in the home, LC asked if she and some of her sisters could do an experiment with food coloring. I consented.

I also came upon this some time later, once the experimentation was complete:

Microscope. Recyclables. Stains. Stains everywhere.

But I do love it that they were learning and playing. LC cleaned up, mostly. I took a bowl of bleach and water to the countertop stains the next morning, so they're all gone now.

The girls watched these two vases for a couple of days to see if the food coloring would draw up into the petals, and they were rewarded with blue tinged (very wilted) crepe myrtle flowers, and a bright red-edged rose.

We finished our first week of classes at our new school. It was good. There's been chaos, yes, but it is the kind that will be worked out. One big change is how much of the older kids' assignments are computer/internet dependent, so we are working through the best ways to share our computers among everyone. Then there's the newness factor - something that throws us all a bit, but isn't bad and isn't permanent. I am encouraged so far by what I am seeing and hearing regarding this school and by the general atmosphere.

I felt kind of rattled, for my part, on our homeschool days this first week. This is weird, because I wasn't sensing much anxiety or concern in myself at all as we got those days started. I wonder if this is partly due to memories of harder times. We've been through some super-chaotic, rather dysfunctional, very messy homeschool days/seasons in the past. Most of what made it hard was just life - weird combinations of circumstances and struggles that just were. And we muddled through and look! We are all whole and growing and appropriately educated. But, man, those were some exhausting, seemingly (seemingly!) not-so-fruitful days and maybe there's fear that was pushing up, asking to be entertained as we set out to homeschool this week.

We are not the same now as we were during those darker days. I am not the same as I was then. I'm not a different person, but rather God's grown me into more of the person He means me to be, and our family is more authentic individually and corporately for having walked through the hard times.

All glory to the Healer who does not leave me as I am, but is at work to conform me into the image of Jesus and to finish the good work He's begun in me. And this is an interesting circle in my thinking, since that very truth is the scripture chosen by the girls' new school as their verse for this academic year:

...being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

And can I say something about failure and feeling like a loser when it comes to Love? While I don't need to wallow in perfectionistic despair over my inadequacies, it is right to be aware and sad over my sinning heart, especially if it spurs me to repentance and dependence on Perfection. I was quietly encouraged in my spirit this week as I considered and believed His Sufficiency to be enough.

He has done all things well, and has done them on my behalf - He represents me before God in all His obedience and love and righteousness and these are His gift to those who trust Him. And God is pleased. God is satisfied.

The Weeks Go By...

While we have no moving date in place, our hope is to hit the road in mid-June. That's six weeks away.

Once we knew that relocation was for real, it seemed that God showed me that my two main responsibilities were to make sure we all have lots of good chances to connect with special people here, and to schedule appointments - haircuts, checkups, follow-ups, etc, so that we're all caught up before we alight in a new town.

So far, I'm blown away by God's care and grace on both of these counts. We've already had so many special outings and moments with friends here, and it's been amazing that all this appointment-making is working out so smoothly on the calendar and in real life. I mean, you know, 6 haircut appointments, 6 teeth-cleanings, 6 eye exams...it can seem overwhelming! But it isn't for God.

In addition to those scheduling items, there's CJ's upcoming surgery. After her little hearing loss-experience, she showed some improvement as the result of two medications, but the hearing trouble returned along with the next virus we encountered. At her checkup and a subsequent X-ray, we learned that her tonsils and adenoids are enormous, and that her ears just still cannot drain, which is why her hearing is still poor. So that's another big appointment on the schedule, and a first for us. We've had all manner of ER visits, but none of the kids has had surgery. Right now, CJ's her fearless self about it, excited about all the cool treats to come.

One of many treasured moments we've already enjoyed: BB and I had an impromptu date last weekend, during which we ate at a local restaurant with a biergarten. It was perfect...relaxed time as a couple (especially since he traveled the week before); comfortable temps with no mosquitoes; a fun band - they even played Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire - so fun; and to top it off, the whole eating area is surrounded by climbing vines of flowers and the scent was amazing.

God also blessed us over the last week to spend time with two different couples. The first couple is headed to Papua, New Guinea, to aid in the process of scripture translation. The second couple is headed to Japan in coming months to serve Jesus by sharing the gospel of His love. It was wonderful to connect with both families before we (and they) travel!

I'm so tempted to worry and fret these days. And I do worry and fret, at times. But I'm telling this to the Lord, Who can handle the weight of my worry and will take it away (if I'll let it go). Another big thing to hold is the reality that He takes care of me. And He does such a perfect job of it.

Cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you.
I Peter 5:7

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken. 
Psalm 55:22

Easter Honesty

Happy Easter!

I have some thoughts about this celebratory weekend that I'll share at the end, but I've been eager to show off our dove. She's nested in our back yard. I was about 12 inches from her when I snapped this photo. Can you see her egg there?

I have hunch that young Mrs. Dove is a first-time mom, judging by her nesting location. That, or perhaps she's new to the area, and did not realize that this particular yard is inhabited by 9 people, 7 of them being super-active children between the ages of 1 and 14.

You see, we had a wisteria vine growing on a trellis connected to our back fence. Since workers are coming soon to replace that section of fence, we carefully took down the twisty plant and rested it on a chair.

Mrs. Dove nested in it within 24 hours, and the kids came running inside to tell me. Amazing! It's fun to see mother bird up close like this. She's brave, I'll say that. We can come very close (no touching!!), and she won't fly away. I'm not sure how many eggs she has now, but we have seen two so far.

This picture gives better perspective on her perhaps not-so-wise nesting location. She's about 3 feet off the ground, if that much.

Easter. Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!

Jesus is alive. He has made a way for me to have peace with God. It's crazy to think of all He's done for me and in my place: living perfectly, loving just right, giving grace, trusting His Father; suffering shame and disgrace and blame and condemnation, rejection, punishment, death. And then, resurrection!

He lived flawlessly holy, pleasing to God, because He knew I could not.

He took my deserved punishment and death.

Then, Jesus defeated death, also on my behalf, and for anyone who trusts His good work for us.

And, mixed in with all that, He loves me. He loves me! The better I get this, the more deeply I receive it...I mean, it's pretty life-changing - a very secure, blessed place to be arriving here at almost 38 years old.

This is where it's at, right? Knowing I'm loved like that? It's my prayer for my children and for many others, that we'll realize and believe this Great Love...

This love, this is the thing to hold tightly. Or rather, It's the thing that holds us tightly.

I'd hoped that the Lent season would be deeply meaningful and symbolic and solemn, personally and for our family. There are so many good, special traditions available to help with this goal.

We have the lovely Advent/Lent candle spirals made and sold by Ann Voskamp's son (of A Holy Experience). I got ours ready at the beginning of Lent and had high hopes for rich interactions and that we'd experience the gospel more deeply through daily Lent devotionals.

Here we are after church today, lighting the whole spiral of candles, getting ready to read scripture together.

But did the general experience go as I'd hoped? Not so much. Our devotionals weren't exactly daily. It was a bit hit or miss. Interest was also lacking among some of my crowd. And one inescapable reality of biggish families with a large spread of ages is that there's just no perfect set up to reach them all.

And can we talk about candles for a minute? I mean, they are the biggest distraction ever. Stop blowing the candles, guys. Hey, y'all. The candles, stop blowing them. Leave the wax alone, okay? Don't fan the candles with your book, kiddo, please?!

Fire is irresistible to all, that's all I'm saying, and perhaps it may even detract from our ability to focus, just maybe? I am laughing inside as I write this...at our crazy family and those drippy, flaming distractions I insisted upon...

I'll stop ranting about the candles now.

So, I was a little bummed about the overall experience. [And lest this sound like I am blaming the candles and the children for making our Lent celebration lackluster in the deeply meaningful department, I'll openly admit that my own brain is still muddy much of the time these days. Oh, not like it used to be, but still, it is cluttered and distracted and I long for a deeper connection with Jesus myself day by day.]

But the awesome thing is, you guessed it, Jesus loves me. And He loves my kids, my family, and you. And He doesn't love me less because our family Lent devotionals were a bit cray-cray at times, or non-existent.

The other hopeful truth is that we are in process. So much grace in that. After several years of crazy, we are definitely tippy-toeing toward more thoughtful, purposeful living. Always in process, growing toward whom and what He means for us to be. I'm glad about that. I'm happy that we did our best at delivering the truth of Christ and His Good Work this season. May God bless it and make it fruitful.

And just for fun on this Easter, LC and I attempted a unique egg dyeing craft (I know, a craft. I can't believe it myself, since I have the dominant anti-crafting gene). My neighbor told me about using onion skins to dye eggs. We took  little flowers and leaves, pressed them to the eggs, wrapped them tightly in a piece of pantyhose, tied it tight with a rubberband. Next, we boiled the eggs in water that also held a big pile of red onion skins. We tried this with brown and white eggs.

While I'd need to play around with technique and supplies to get reliable results with each egg, here were our favorite/best eggs once we were done:

Now, just for fun...

Well, do you remember Ninja Boy? We've seen less of him/her in the past year or so, but Ninja Boy was back this week, accompanied by a sidekick, whom we'll call Ninja Girl...

Hilarious. Ninja Persons always have a mask of some sort and a whip. Don't ask. I have no idea. But it cracks me up. CJ's rocking her tough face here:

Have a great week!

I Crafted Again, and, A Quote

Hey, look! I crafted! That's TWICE this year!

My cousin Mary had old bottles like these hung up with copper wire in her kitchen, complete with little plants cascading out of them. I liked it enough to craft and have my own. She gave me the wire and the plant cuttings, and I already had the bottles. It's a cheerful, fun addition to my dish-washing location!

And, I found the source of my sacrifice your feelings on the altar image, that I mentioned in the last post. Here's the direct quote, from John White's (excellent) book, The Fight:

It [letting go of resentment] becomes easier when you recognize that Joe and Mary have their own hang-ups and insecurities that call for compassion rather than resentment. It also helps to realize that God cares tenderly for Joe and Mary in spite of what you see as their undesirable qualities.

Therefore, lay your resentful feelings on the altar and offer them up in praise to God. Whenever you catch yourself indulging in fantasies of triumphing over Mary or putting Joe in his place, bind your fantasies to the same altar and give them the same treatment. Ruthlessly. Promptly. Always. 
*

Well said, Mr. White.

Have a happy weekend, friends!

He's Given Me a Task

There are ways in which life is settling down a bit for us. It's a good thing.

One positive, and somewhat disorienting, consequence of this settling down is that my brain is a bit less overwhelmed. Some mental space is being freed up. And, as that happens, I'm hearing the Lord better and more.

So, God made it clear recently that He has a task for me to accomplish. It's the work of forgiveness. I told Him that I knew He was right - I have some forgiving to do. But, as a rule-following, checklist-loving, people-pleasing perfectionist, I have so very, very much of the time striven to do the right thing. 

What I mean is that too often, I have worked hard on this or that, and checked the box, perhaps made a rule for myself, but in reality, I did not process the problem at hand honestly or completely. Rather, I rushed through, avoiding the messiness and time these things often take. This has been especially true when it comes to emotional and spiritual work.

So when God showed me it was time to forgive another, I told Him I'd only do it if He could help me know it was real, and not something I completed artificially in my own strength. And I told Him that I just couldn't do it, truly. I recognize my weakness and that my heart really does want to hold on to the hurt and the anger and the self-protection. But He's bringing me to a place where I've finally begun wanting to be like Jesus in this area more than I want to be safe and in control and comfortable.

And I am overwhelmed at the Truth and the images that He is putting in my heart as I grow a willingness to do this thing. Leslie Leyland Fields' piece to which I linked the other day hit home for me when she pointed out Jesus' compassionate response to His murderers: Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. 

Fields challenged me to remember the hurt and barriers that are in the hearts of those who wound us. Opening my thinking to this reality clears the path for compassion to be born: real compassion, not some drummed up version of it. Really, it's so ironic how God brings us to a place where we're just too tired to even try in our own strength anymore, so it's either trust Him to accomplish His good work in us, or it won't happen at all. And of course, there's this real and weighty and beautiful issue of how much and often I require forgiveness myself, and there are beams in my own eyes, right?

Another powerful image He's given me is that of sacrificing my feelings on the altar of obedience. I read this somewhere very recently, but its source is escaping me. My feelings are real and valid and natural, but when I hang on to them and relive hurts and feed the feelings, I'm strangling my very own heart, my very own potential to love, forgive, and offer compassion. I'm too busy protecting myself! I don't sacrifice the human blessing of having feelings, but rather the option of allowing them to control me or  to dictate how I think about and treat others. This is where the Holy Spirit whooshes in, so to speak, to transform my heart and to help me say no to hanging on to the hard feelings as a form of "protecting myself" from potential hurt in a relationship. It's work that Jesus and I are addressing together. He's all about conforming us to His image, and I am glad He doesn't leave me to myself.
*

Good Advice

...And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose hope.  -Hebrews 12:1-3

I was on our local community college campus recently for the first time. I was inside walking down hallway, when I saw PERSEVERE out of the corner of my eye, and it stopped me in my tracks.

Jesus did it and I'm ever-blessed because He did. And as He gives grace, I'm doing the same. So glad for His love and His example.

Have a happy weekend. My big 5 girls and I are headed out for a little road trip - a female-family-reunion/craft day with cousins, aunts, second cousins, making Valentine's pretties!

At the End of Christmas Break...

CJ sends you a Happy New Year wink!

Looks like she is in pain, I know, but she's not. Just takes a lot of work when you're three to pull off such facial coordination.

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

We took down Christmas this week. What a relief. That's a job that feels really overwhelming to me, especially since this year we really decked the halls.

Christmas break is almost over for us. It's been nearly a month.

I have to say that I was dreading the holidays for a lot of reasons.

Some of the dread was based on the way that past Christmas-seasons have gone, and some of the dread came from knowing my own weaknesses and weariness, feeling like I just couldn't do it - "it" being just about everything connected to Christmas traditions - events and visiting and special food and thoughtful worship, and...you know, all the things that a person is either used to doing or hopes to have or thinks others are expecting.

I guess I had more expectations of myself and the season than I realized.

And I think my life-weariness factored more into the dread of the holidays than I realized, too. What I'm seeing is that in the Big Picture, our family has moved and is moving in a beautiful, healthy, healed direction, all Praise to Christ! But the truth is that daily life is still really tough in many ways. Really draining. Lots of opportunities to turn to the Lord in my weakness, and in those times when my knee-jerk desire is to just run away from the challenges.

{As an aside, I always wanted a large family. Always. And I still look around in grateful disbelief that God allowed me the sweetness of six pregnancies, births, and one miracle adoption. It gives me chills just to write it. But an irony I never considered is that of a woman who is an introvert to the core raising up 7 distinctly unique humans, each one of them at different developmental levels. This is one of the challenges I sometimes don't want to face. It's a strange balance to seek: relating with others while still recharging with some form of aloneness or quiet. Anyway, that was an aside.}

So, as I look back at our holidays, I see a theme:

God took care of me.

It felt good to be honest with Him about my dread and anxiety, my weakness and weariness.

Sometimes I saw Him remove challenges. Other times He gave me strength I did not expect, and showed me that I've learned much in a year's time under His training.

I recognized that I even put pressure of myself to have an extra-special experience with Jesus because it was Christmas time. Then it hit me: while my love for Him is far from constant and perfect, I love Him all year round. I love His sacrifice and goodness and friendship all year round. It felt good to know that simply continuing to love Him and thank Him was enough, at Christmas and any other time of year. No need to dig deep and conjure up some false excitement or emotion.

This made family and personal Advent celebrating more simple, real, and special for me.

Looking back, this month of Christmas break has been marked by relationship-building, connecting, strengthening bonds with others. It's been a full, rich, beautiful thing. And relationship building is dear to God's heart. What a satisfying season it's been, in that sense. Praise be to the God of all Grace.

There's a pretty big part of me that's tempted to doubt the path He's had me on for some time now...one that involves a little suffering and some lessons to learn that I never, ever would've thought necessary or useful in life. But sometimes He gives me a glimpse of the bigger picture or just a quiet reassurance inside that yes, while it looks weird and includes some pretty unexpected turns and training, it is indeed all good, because of course, He's all good.
*
We documented our time with others pretty well. But these were a few of my favorite shots...

Baby H and his great-grandfather (BB's grandpa), regarding one another

 Baby H and his great-grandfather, loving on each other

 Baby H was very interested in what Granddad (BB's dad) was doing

 And apparently all the six-and-unders except for Baby H were interested at this point in what Granddad was doing...

The Upside of Exhaustion

I have a habit. It's so natural to me that until recently I wasn't aware of it, not really. Not in a way that could recognize it and choose to do something differently.

My habit? Keeping it together. As in, this even-keeled, somewhat stoic expression of myself.

It's not that I'm one-dimensional or emotionless, by any stretch.

But - no cracking or crumbling allowed. At least not where anyone can see it. Calmness is key. No flare of anger when mistreated; rarely tears of weariness when tired; and even a holding back of joyful, carefree feelings, because, eek, vulnerability! They'll see the real me!

Oh, will I ever stop fearing this?

So, the upside of exhaustion?


I no longer have the energy to keep it together anymore. Too weary to put on a brave face, give myself a pep talk, or hide my tears. Worn out enough to not care how I look or what people might think.

It's for-real a positive thing, because this is authenticity. This is the beginning of intentional vulnerability. It's growing brave enough to be the real me...not the me I think I should be or wish I was, or the Beth that I think others need or want me to be.

Lately, it's been me choosing to let others see my hurting heart or hear words from me that reveal my thin faith and tired mind.

I cried openly in front of my children the other day after a situation that deeply hurt me. I could not stop and did not try. Pretty soon several of them were crying, too. And that's okay, because there's nothing wrong with being not-okay for a time.

Right now, I see that I'm improving at being real about hurt, disappointment, pain, and difficult emotions. I'm thinking my next challenge is to let my inner little girl out: show the giddy, happy, silly without apology and without slamming on the even-keeled brakes. Something in me instinctively wants to keep all those sweet, light emotions a secret, for fear of....what? Maybe it's about control - I'll feel like I'm not in control and that I'll look like I'm not in control.

Ah, the fearless letting go, and the being okay with the person God's made me to be. Scary and exciting.

And I praise Jesus for all this - for the learning, for the opening up, for the pain, for the freedom and power from Him to make good changes.

And on a very different note, I had the three youngest home with me from church yesterday, as BH had such a nasty cough. It was a true delight when I took them outside and just watched them run around. BH is still so fascinated by the outdoors and loves the freedom to toddle about and pick up grass and squeal at his sisters running by. CA brought a Playmobil Jeep outside and let it roll down the driveway repeatedly, equally thrilled by it every time.  She talks to herself, narrating the adventure, and intermittently brings others (me, little sister CJ) into her imaginary play. CJ bounced back and forth between giving attention to the Jeep action and following BH around, concerned when he wandered too far for her taste...

Sweet mental snapshot of my littles.

Hope and Promise

Can you see that fiery spot in the very middle of the photo?

That is a rainbow. Really it is - a piece of one at least.

That is a whisper of hope from Jesus to me.

In the crazy times of late, I've struggled to not be overcome by sadness and weariness. Then one night I dreamed about rainbows. First I saw one, then realized it was a double rainbow, but as I looked closer, I realized it was in fact five rainbows. I woke up thinking, That was from the Lord. Hope, promise.

Later that day, after much rain, what did I see on on the way home from school dropoff? A big, fat, beautiful rainbow, ending very near our house. Hmm. Hope! Promise!

And yet, my heart and my faith have felt so thin...

Then, this email from a dear friend, who has, in the past year, experienced her own unexpected, unplanned events. She had no idea I was so down when she wrote this, because the last I'd mentioned to her was that we were seeing some neat movement in our relationship with AH (and we were - and that's still real, and super-important)...

Here's what my friend said:

....the tunnel never really ends in this life does it? but the sweet thing is that Jesus is that light at the end, going before you and beside you this entire journey. God has really been showing us this lately. Instead of living for the end of "this or that" hard season, what about realizing that THIS season is what he has called us to. THIS season is a gift and what if THIS season is all we ever get. Did we live it for His glory, or did we just try to "make" it. I am so prone, on a daily (hourly) basis, to just survive...I hope that one day, this lesson of the journey being the destination (while on earth), will sink in...

And THANK GOD for his grace while I fumble around and mess up constantly! I pray that my kids will be fierce God-lovers, faithful, bold and loving IN SPITE of me, not because of anything I do... and I mean that in the most sincere way! We're all on this journey together aren't we!? 

Oh, my, did I ever need to hear this.

It helped begin dissolving my hardening heart. God spoke firmly and gently and lovingly to me through her words. I've read and reread them many times.

When we went on that hike, AH chose to hold my hand at one point. That was a first. Ever. Huge. And a major high - a connecting point, a vulnerable place. But the highs come with corresponding lows, and also with long, dry spaces where there's little to no connecting. It's a relational desert in those times. 

That was three weeks ago.

Night before last, she told me a scary dream she'd had. Connection. Yessss! Thank You, Jesus!

Next morning, painful conflict. 

Thank You, Jesus? Yes, that's the call. To give thanks for it all. To trust that THIS season is what He has called me to, with all its ups and downs and heartache included. To stop running from pain and stop resisting the uncomfortable parts of the now-work. These are part of His work in me, in us.

Later that morning, another rainbow.

And I cried when I saw it while I was jogging. Unbelievable. It was in a weird place. No rain going on. Odd. And the whisper I needed to hear again...hope, promise.

And I turned around and saw that the sunrise was a blazing orange gash on the horizon. More tears. I had no idea of the light behind me....the light making that hope-filled rainbow happen in front of me...

Oh, yes, Jesus is behind, beside, and ahead of me!

All glory to Him, the Light, the Promise.

*

Hey, BB just texted me from across town - with a photo of a giant, complete, arching rainbow...

I hear You, Lord, I hear You...Thank You for reaching my little heart with these quiet, gentle messages.

God's Close No Matter How I Feel

One thing that has comforted and encouraged me lately - this idea of Jesus' nearness and presence regardless of how I feel or how I've performed. 

His nearness does not change.

His love does not change.

His presence stays the same.

It's wonderful to take this in and draw comfort and confidence through it.

He keeps His promise. He loves me. This is wonderful.
*
Believing (not just knowing) these truths has been born out of the reality that my feelings aren't so awesome at times, and I found myself telling the Lord, I don't feel close to You. I felt close to You when...and the answer is often rooted in a time when I was accomplishing more of my spiritual checklist. It's occurred to me that it was checking off those boxes and the feeling that came with it that I equated with closeness to Jesus.

But Hello! HE.IS.ALWAYS.NEAR.

Emmanuel. God with ME.

Nothing I think, feel, or experience diminishes or negates His nearness. Hmm, that sounds familiar...

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. Romans 8: 38-39 {we could add all sorts of things to this list, yes? performance, feelings, my super-Christian checklist, other people...}

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me. Psalm 23:4

Late afternoon grocery trips are traumatizing, I'm thinking. It was for me, at least - a rare occurrence: I took all the kids with me for a week's worth of grocery shopping. Eek. Not again anytime soon. (The kids were not bad - it's just a nightmare to move a pod of 8 people through a crowded grocery during the witching hour....)

 The feet! Oh, those sweet feet!

 She had two "eyebrows," but ate one before I could snap a photo. 

 Loving this: on the floor beside my desk, trying to allow CJ to have a bit of quiet downtime during the homeschool day without quite crossing over to the full-blown nap, an idea to which she's quite averse.

 Peter Piper picked a peck of peppers....and stuck the stickers onto BH's cute little head!

 Oh, whoops! I guess someone did cross over to a full-blown nap after all - on the living room floor.

 It's exhausting being a 4th grader, for real.

 We had a lovely visit from my mom last week!

Holding on to daddy...