Random, wonderful: I *think* I may be getting a bit of my short-term memory back, hooray! Getting to sleep through the night with increasing frequency may or may not have something to do with that, although last night was not one of those nights...poor BH was not feeling well.
I have a "God is faithful" observation to share today:
My tendency in the past as a parent has been to micro-manage and hand-hold with my children through their various responsibilities and struggles. It's what my therapist would call overfunctioning, and I've had to really work to get to a place of just simple, healthy functioning.
So, yesterday was a long day. BB's been out of town and our Wednesday is full, since therapy is now from 430pm to 6pm (2 sessions) on that day, and that's after a full day of school for the 5 bigs. Whew! When AH and I returned home from our sessions, I knew I needed to be thoughtful about the evening with the children because I was just beyond tired - mentally and physically.
AH very helpfully kept BH content while I whipped up a fast supper, then I let the kids know that I had no energy and wasn't feeling well, so it would be a simple, no frills night. I cannot really explain the fatigue I've been experiencing - I'm not really sure what all is contributing....I'm sure it'll pass, but here it is for now.
After supper, EG expressed the desire to talk with me. She's had some fears and concerns lately, especially connected with BB's being out of town. This is where it becomes a tough call for me as a mom sometimes. You know how it is: you so want to fix your kids' problems and make those fears go away and it's a careful balance between showing compassion and reacting in fear yourself (which kinda tells the kid her fears are valid, if mom's flipping out, too, freaked out by her kid's worry). {edit: sometimes their fears are valid and rational, of course, but fear is fear and in the end, mom can't end it or give the child peace}There's a fine line between staying connected to your child while communicating sympathetically about their fears and trying to rescue them from the things that scare them.
We had hugs and some quick, quiet sharing about her upset last night. She let me know what was bothering her and I was able to honestly identify with her particular fears. I told her that I'd be glad to talk with her at greater length the next day, if she wished and needed, because I desperately needed rest last night. She was still sad, but good with the plan.
And I went to bed with mother guilt and prayers. Honestly, I don't even remember what I prayed, but my heart is that Jesus is real to my children - that they experience Him and His great love, and His blessed, constant presence.
I resolved to level with EG in the morning and tell her that sometimes what's hard for moms when their children are frightened is that they feel a bit helpless because they know they cannot fix the problem for the child. I also mentally planned to provide a chunk of talking time with her.
We met up in the hallway early this morning and I checked in with her: How ya doing?
She reported that she fell asleep super fast last night. (Thanks, Lord! Also, I'd thrown out for her the reality that exhaustion makes fears and emotions bigger and more real-feeling). She said that she felt better. And then she said,
You know, I talked to God about my fear. I realized I did not want to let go of it, because that meant accepting that maybe God's will could be to allow something hard to happen to daddy on his travels back home. But I asked Him to help me let go of it, and I'm okay now.
Halleluia, could I ask for more?!
I am so glad that my tiredness got in the way of possibly overfunctioning, which might've gotten in the way of an awesome faith moment for EG. She went to Jesus, y'all!
I'm thanking Him. I'm happy about this!
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